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posted Jun 2 2018, 12:24 AM
PLAYED BY ASTER // SHE/HER // UTA NO PRINCE-SAMA, TOMOCHIKA SHIBUYA
sometimes, you think about if god loves you.
it's easy to say that he does. of course, he does. why would he not love one of his holiest children? you go to church every sunday. you sit in the pews and repeat the prayers because that's what you're supposed to do. you venerate him in your songs, in your heart. because you know that he knows that you love him but he can only know that if you're telling him. you go to his bake sales. you speak his words. you live by his truths. you love him.
but, does he love you?
you wake up on sunday morning, entangled with the pastor's daughter. you are in her bedroom and you kiss her good morning. the window is open and sunshine comes in and there's the little dust particles floating in the air and she's got her face buried into your neck and she says she loves you. everything is in slow motion because everything is okay because you're in love and everything's okay. you love her and that should be enough.
fast forward, two hours and you're dressed in the clothes you had on last night. your mother looks at you in disdain and your father won't call you by your name. your sister is embarrassed and your brother looks at you with intrigue. you're disgusted, so you look away but then you see the pastor's daughter, red-cheeked and begging for forgiveness from your father. she blames you. you hate her for it.
on the car ride home, your father explains in the low voice saved only for special occasions: "it's your fault, but this won't happen again, right?" and because you're fifteen ( you're "mature for your age", after all ) and you want to be loved, you agree. this won't happen again.
word spreads fast in a small town and life gets hard. you're a girl who likes girls and god doesn't love children like you. you're the subject of complaints for housewives and childish girls. you're a curiosity for equally curious girls and a video project to-be for teenage boys. you stop going to church, but you still pray at every meal and at night. you start wondering what the point in all of this is because if even your parents didn't love you, you hoped god would.
but your prayers start feeling more like grade-school love letters. "do you like me? check yes or no" and you're not really worth it, so he doesn't answer at all. people aren't any nicer to you no matter how nice you are. you're uninvited from the church bake sale and someone else takes your spot in choir. your parents avoid talking to you and your sister avoids you and your brother keeps asking if there's a new girl in your life and if he can watch and you always say no and —
you're surprised how much can change in a year.
fear turns to apathy turns to anger turns to passion turns to freedom. your things are packed into the back of a moving van. your aunt says you'll love it out in peachtree. ( you doubt it, you've had enough small town for a life time. ) there are plenty of people like you, so you won't feel out of place. your parents are getting rid of you. enough embarrassment, you wager. but it feels a lot less like being a nuisance than it is feeling like you're free.
you decide god doesn't love you, but you need him to exist: someone needs to be held accountable for this mess and it sure isn't going to fucking be you.
POSITIVES adventurous, tenacious, exuberant, ambitious, good-natured, individualistic, resourceful, open-minded. NEGATIVES vindictive, opportunistic, impulsive, nosy, dramatic, overzealous, impatient, insensitive. QUIRKS → considers it a personal life goal to marry beyonce.
→ runs a blog on which she dishes about people.
→ high-key religious, but doesn't go to church as often as she should.
→ is a fake redhead.
i miss missing you now and then
posted Jun 2 2018, 09:21 AM
welcome to the site!
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