|Help Search Members Calendar|
|Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )||Resend Validation Email|
A million stars in the sky; yet the only one I see is you.
posted Jul 4 2018, 01:54 AM
LI HUA ZHANG
PLAYED BY BUTTERFLY // SHE/HER // VOCALOID, LUKA MEGURINE
✖ TW: Mentions of domestic abuse & bullying. Paragraphs will be marked w/ ✭
❝ I'VE BEEN QUIET ASIDE YOU
► You never knew your mother as a child; it's accurate to say that you've never seen her before. It wasn't the matter that she died during labour; but from what you've heard, your father and your mother got into a dispute until they ultimately divorced. Your mother and father were both people who cared not for the future, as they were constantly partying and - frankly - not giving a damn. You were too young to understand, hence why you didn't know it was wrong for them to pin you down to a chair in front of a television so they didn't have to deal with you. Of course, it goes without saying that they didn't want to deal with the kid who was born just to "prove a point" and end a twisted love triangle. Unfortunately never learned to crawl and you would often trip and fall when you went straight to walking. Needless to say, that has affected your coordination in the present where most would view it as being clumsy.
► Starting from two months, you were taken in by your grandparents after they noticed how your parents neglected you. You were thrown back and forth from babysitter to nanny, and each and every person was less than impressed with your parents. From then on, you grew alongside your grandparents and grew to view them as your own parent figures. Your mother and father divorced shortly afterwords, and your mother moved out of the country. You wouldn't be seeing her for the next decade or so, but you couldn't seem to care any less.
► Your childhood wasn't as bad as most would think; you grew up and were raised with your grandparents' beliefs. Although your father was never home to go out with his friends, you know that he loved you dearly. When he was home, he did all that he could to put his attention on you. You were his precious daughter, although you always had trouble seeing that with your own eyes. You began attending a pre-school in order to learn English, as you grew up speaking Chinese in your household. You didn't begin properly speaking English until you were four years old, and it was difficult for you because you began speaking in broken sentences, or sentences that were half Chinese and half English.
❝ WHILE THE HEART IN MY CHEST SHOUTS
► At the age of three, your father got remarried to another woman. She.. Was a spiteful one. She didn't seem to like you for the sheer fact that you weren't her child. She called your mother to pick you up, claiming that your father didn't want you anymore. When that didn't work, she tried to drill in the thought that you were abandoned by your mother, and she didn't want to take care of you so she dumped you onto your father. For years, she tried to drill in the thought that you were utterly useless and abandoned, by both parents. The sad part? You believed it. You believed every single word she said, being the naive chid you were. The only people you vowed that you would stay faithful to, however, were your grandparents.
► Your grandparents lived and stayed with you in order to protect you from your own parents. Your step mother often kept off of you as per your father's word, however you recall how often she gave you sneers of distaste. Never the less, she always let your father handle you when it came to confrontation and discipline when he was home. However, you grew up listening to your parents yell at each other more often than not. Your step mother was unhappy and controlling of your father, while your father treasured freedom above all. Needless to say, their marriage was a disaster until your step mother gave brith to your half brother when you were four. Your father, then, wanted to leave her. However at the same time, he felt trapped because he felt obligated as a father. You couldn't understand at the time, but all you knew was that you loved your little brother. You adored him, because he was the only other kid you could meet and see.
► You began attending school the following September, and you were behind the other children. You could barely understand the teacher and you could barely understand the other children. Even then, you were always trying to listen and talk to people. You wanted to make friends, and you were possibly the most courageous and chatty student your teachers had seen in spite of the language barrier. It wasn't long until you were able to speak in full sentences, even though it was still difficult for you to form the words and properly use the grammar. English was complex for you, but growing up, you did your best to adapt until you were ultimately able to communicate the bare minimum.
❝ FEELING SILENCED AND LIED TO
✭ As you got older, you grew significantly more quiet in comparison to the past. You paled in terms of socializing and by the time you were in the third grade, you found it difficult to express yourself. The people around you found you obnoxious and childish when you tried, calling you a baby and teasing, berating or calling you out/attracting unwanted attention. You eventually grew to be closed and withdrawn from the people around you, more out of fear if anything. By the end of your third grade, you were told that you were going to move away much to your excitement. It meant a new start for you. Unfortunately, the school year started off terribly after your grandfather passed away from cancer after the first day of school. Your family didn't pay much attention to you because they didn't think that it would affect you, who was ten years old at the time. Unfortunately the lack of attention and inability to express your grief led you down the path of bottling up, which eventually came to be one of the main factors to trigger your anxiety and depression.
✭ Unfortunately, the people at that new school were less than welcoming. The cousin you had known since childhood pretended that she'd never seen you before. Putting it lightly, it hurt you. This was the first thing that slowly pushed you back into your shell, and you couldn't find the words to communicate. Soon enough, the other kids found you to be a fun target to pick on, and every morning you learned to loathe going to school. Though you tried your hardest to ignore the other children, you eventually grew to be self-loathing as well. This fuelled your already growing depression and paranoia towards the other kids. Although you tried to be sociable, you were never good with speaking and you would often go on a ramble out of nervousness.
✭ It was also around this time where you were being treated worse by your parents; to the point it was nearly abusive. They would physically and emotionally attack you. With what happened at school, you eventually loathed going home and you loathed going to school. Needless to say, your patience with people wore down and you grew to despise the company of the people around you due to the poor treatment. You eventually developed PTSD from the treatment of your parents, and you'd occasionally suffer from panic attacks from the frequent paranoia and whispers that you knew (or thought) happened behind your back.
► By your final year in middle school, you began to cope through music. At this age, you began to confide in the internet which isolated you even more. You barely left your room when your parents were home, being terrified of the world outside. Eventually, the only world you'd ever know would be the path to school, back, and the layout of the house. Later on in that year, your internet friends began encouraging you to make song covers after singing for them in a karaoke session. This encouragement eventually led you to Youtube, where you began posting up your covers and received more than positive responses. Your rise in youtube fame was rapidly increasing in spite of your young age. This eventually became your way to cope; and your job.
❝ BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ► You began attending the local high school - Ridgeview High - after you graduated as a nobody in your school. In the real world, you were a nobody. You were that one girl in the shadows, who was known to be pushed around by the other kids because they saw you as an easy target. However with your time on the internet and clashes with a toxic, online community at some times, you developed a temperamental and impatient demeanour. The sass from your online persona gradually leaked through and by your mid-freshman year, the majority of your previous bullies had stopped altogether. Left and right, you began calling out the people around you. You picked at their flawed logic, shot down their attempted pity parties; you were done with them.
► Of course, that doesn't mean you became a jerk. Admittedly, you still had a soft and kind heart no matter the circumstances. Such that you were still trying to be the best daughter you could be for your parents in spite of the treatment. Unfortunately at the age of fifteen, your father fell ill with cancer due to is excessive drinking habits and his smoking habits. He died a few months later in the bed of his own house; and this was what broke you from the inside. Your father showed you affection and appreciation towards you, his daughter, at his final breaths. He apologized that he wasn't the best father, and he apologized for the abuse he put you through. For the later years, you realized that he was poor at communicating; and he genuinely wanted to prepare you for the future, the real world, and fulfill his duty as a parent. For the rest of the year, you were significantly more withdrawn to the point you could have been mistaken for a mute. However that doesn't stop you from trying your best with the covers. While you were in schooling, you had grown in fame under your online alias PAFF.
✭ Unfortunately, your step mother found out about the profit you were making from your online career. She'd often pressure you into giving her access to your bank account to take your earnings topped with the inheritance you received from your father. Not only does she financially abuse you, but she also physically and emotionally does so. In attempts to cope even more effectively, you've learned to dissociate during your arguments. Your grandmother chose to stay with you, even at the age of eighteen in attempts to protect you from your step mother. You chose to stay for the remainder of the next few years to protect your little brother from loneliness; to keep him company after losing his father. Unfortunately, this unhealthy environment has been preventing you from gaining the help you direly need; all because you want to protect your little brother and your grandmother from the wrath of your step mother. But the worst of it all? You know you can't get someone to step in, because she's the reason you all have food on your plates and a roof over your heads. Your brother had already lost a father, and you didn't want him to lose a mother so soon in the worst case. It was dilemma indeed.
You laugh, because it feels like a really screwed up version of Cinderella.
˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙» Her voice reference is Amalee
» She has never shown her face or identity online; no one knows of her identity as PAFF.
» Part of the reason she's so popular is because of how mysterious she is online.
» PAFF has about 667K subscribers & followers to date; and she's still growing.
» Li Hua tends to separate her online persona from her offline one.
POSITIVES polite, altruistic, obedient, sympathetic, pacifistic NEGATIVES quiet, sassy, impatient, blunt, cynical QUIRKS huge k-pop nerd carries a bunny squishy for stress & anxiety you'll never see anyone love family more raising her bangs or tying up her hair makes her anxious untreated asthma starts sputtering in Chinese when she gets nervous
i miss missing you now and then
posted Jul 8 2018, 09:14 PM
welcome to the site!
what a mysterious lil cutie <333
don't forget to do your claims!